$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
