then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
