Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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