I will die if light touches me.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
