remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
and she was petting her beer can
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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