i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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