I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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