i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
You ever have a fart follow you around?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
