God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
