Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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