oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Found your dick twin last night
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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