Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize