Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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