i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
They are going to name an STD after you.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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