i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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