I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
