Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
