Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
