I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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