I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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