Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
