Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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