Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
