Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
