yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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