wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
