God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
