Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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