so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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