I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
