hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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