watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
