my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
