I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
