At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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