i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize