I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
