On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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