I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
