Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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