Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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