"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
