I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize