so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
