Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
