She is in my trunk
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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