I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
