Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
