so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
