filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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