It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
