mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
