she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
