I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
