I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize