So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
