Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
