six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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