Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I need water and some morals
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
