theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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