TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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